ugh, so I know that this is probably going to annoy some of my followers and I’m truly sorry. I use this blog to help express my feelings. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone lately for a nice long face to face conversation about how I truly feel. I realized that no one really cares about all my little problems. I realized that all people care about is themselves. People want to surround themselves with only positive things all to make them believe that they are happy. I hate that I’m so negative, I wish that I could be happy without trying. I wish that I could be happy period. I really just need someone that cares. Someone that can sacrifice five minutes to me just so I could cry to them. What they don’t understand is that the more I bite my tongue and not show my emotions the more I have bottled up. That’s not healthy. I understand that people deserve to be happy but unfortunately I can’t be. I shouldn’t be held to blame for something that I can’t control. Yes I’ve had depression my whole life. I inherit it from both of my parents. I have also dealt with tons of horrific experiences. I was abused both physically and mentally by my mother and step dad all through out the years that I was a child. Last night my step dad abused me and I have bruises and welts to prove it. I was made fun excessively in elementary school for being heavy and ugly. I have developed eating disorders. I can go weeks without eating anything. I can go months without holding any of my food down. Each day I think about committing suicide. If you can’t care enough about me killing myself then you must not care at all. I honestly can’t believe what the world has come to. Everyone is so mean and cruel to each other. We all have flaws. I know that I have thousands of flaws. I think I’m the most obese and ugly thing in the world. I have mental disorders that make me believe this. I can rarely control my thoughts and actions. I am very impulsive and up and down. I have masked my suicidal feelings ever since fourth grade. Don’t you think I have the right to finally let out my emotions with out people judging me. I understand that I’m going insane. The other day I heard voices. It was me but a more evil me and it controlled me. I listened to it because I was scared. I am not scared of anything but knowing that that evil me will be me when I get older truly haunts me. I doubt I will even live very long. I am slowly getting closer and closer to death. You would think that people would be here for me more than anything but no. They could careless. Remember that. 

Feb 23

I run my hands forcefully at my deceiving and gruesome sides. I pinch them with hate and non-denying fear. The mass of them spills out unforgettably into my cold hands. My mind goes haywire, disgusted at what it beholds. I feel these beings rapidly run through the crevices of my brain. My head starts pounding uncontrollably with a fierce passion. My heart pouts as the decrepit pulse slows. Sweat streaks down forceful lines of salt and water. I hear the sweat drop onto the floor accumulating sadness. My sorrow howls louder than a lone wolf at night, alone. I am alone only to be companioned with my overbearing body. My knees strike in bound together by bones and skin. The skin lurks around like demons in a shadow. My body collapses onto the rough barren vast land of my bedroom. My bedroom is frolicking with ghosts of my past staring into my hollow eyes. The walls are melting trying to suffocate my body. I’m depressingly trapped in a world of negativity. My fingers twitch in pain. They crackle putridly, breaking knuckle by knuckle. The flesh boiling and slowly eating itself away. I recoil from the life that I could be living, a life without scars, pain, and tragedy. My corpse lays there slowly fading away. My eyes twitch with acid pouring out of them deceasing from my body. I look with my mind wretchedly seeking for what brings me to joy. My pupils roll back in despair. Caught in confusion, I lose my breath. My rib cage sinks in. I go back to a place far, far into my past.